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Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Marvel's VP of sales claims that the declining sales of their comic books are because of the Comic studio's efforts to increase diversity and female characters. 

According to David Gabriel in an interview with ICv2, claims that readers “were turning their noses up” at diversity and “didn’t want female characters out there”.

In case you are one of the many comic book readers that stopped following Marvel's publications as of late, Marvel Editorial staff have been making efforts to replace or kill off founding members of the famous Avengers line of characters, and replace them with new heroes that represent a more 'progressive' and 'diverse' lineup, because apparently the old lineup was too white, and too many of them had penises between their legs. Thor Odinson was replaced with Jane Foster. Carol Danvers's Ms. Marvel changed her name to Captain Marvel in honor of her dead boyfriend Mar-Vell, leaving a Teen Muslim girl to take up the Ms. Marvel name. Steve Rogers got really old out of nowhere, leaving the Captain America moniker to be taken up by his best friend Sam Wilson, and most famously, Tony Stark falling into a coma or something, leaving a complete stranger who is only 15 years old to become the next Iron Man, but not exactly. (See, she was introduced in Invincible Iron Man #1, but most of the time she was trying to come up with a name, and settled on IronHeart eventually.) This 'ethnic cleansing' of sorts has been dubbed "All New All Different Marvel", (ANAD) or, "Marvel Now!"

According to David, he had a spoken to retailers at the Marvel Retailer Summit, who told him that readers were sticking to old favorites. “What we heard was that people didn’t want any more diversity,” he said.

“They didn’t want female characters out there. That’s what we heard, whether we believe that or not. I don’t know that that’s really true, but that’s what we saw in sales … Any character that was diverse, any character that was new, our female characters, anything that was not a core Marvel character, people were turning their nose up.”
Gabriel later clarified his statement, saying basically some readers felt abandoned, adding that there is a demographic of readers out there that are really into the new 'diverse' characters.

“And let me be clear, our new heroes are not going anywhere! We are proud and excited to keep introducing unique characters that reflect new voices and new experiences into the Marvel universe and pair them with our iconic heroes.
“We have also been hearing from stores that welcome and champion our new characters and titles and want more! … So we’re getting both sides of the story and the only upcoming change we’re making is to ensure we don’t lose focus [on] our core heroes.”

It goes without saying that Gabriel's remarks took a bit of an ass-kicking on social media...




...Yeah, that didn't go over well with readers.

There seems to be some confusion between retailers and Marvel Editorial. Retailers can only get a gist at the issues readers buy, but that doesn't mean that they have any idea what is going on in a reader's mind. There is a difference between selling comic books for a living, and actually being an avid consumer. And since Marvel's Editorial staff seems to have no idea what the fuck they're doing anymore, allow me to clarify some things, as an avid reader and customer of comic book fiction for 20 years...

Why sales are REALLY slumping...

Marvel's core demographic doesn't like the direction Marvel is taking the universe, and dispite the consensus that Gabriel seems to be getting, it isn't because of diversity: It because a father of a Norse god --who has been dead for literally millennia-- had some UNSOLICITED OPINIONS ON FUCKING ISRAEL!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BECAUSE YOU TURNED CAPTAIN AMERICA INTO A GOD DAMN HYDRA AGENT!!!!!!! IT'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP INSISTING THAT MOTHERFUCKING RED SKULL WANTS TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN & SHIT!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MARVEL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Seriously, Are you kidding me with this shit? The negative reception is really that hard to understand?! Marvel, I don't know if you people are reading this --and I hope you do-- but literally no one in the comic book community stopped reading your books because of the vaginal status, or the skin color of your replacement characters: It's because YOU ENDED STORIES WE WERE READING! YOU LEFT THOSE STORIES UNCONCLUDED WHILE YOU INTRODUCED NEW CHARACTERS TO TAKE THEIR PLACE PRACTICALLY OVERNIGHT!! Can you imagine how pissed people would be if the final season of Game of Thrones was canceled halfway through, and replaced with a Superhero Samurai Cyber Squad reboot!?!?


See, I don't think you get it, Marvel... We read about characters --individual characters-- in comic books. We come to your universe to read your stories for the character in the fucking title of the story. Not another character with the same name, not a counterfeit of the original, or some spinoff that takes place in a parallel universe. We come to Marvel to check up on the history of the characters --the people-- we care about. We want to see their rich history get even richer over time. We want to read the people WE have come to know and love, not the ones you fucking tell us to!

By the way Marvel, no one likes reading your books because Your politics are a pile of canned, evaporated elephant piss!!

We don't give a shit in a Large Hadron Collider about what you think a fucking micro-aggression is, or who the fuck you think we should vote for in an election! I didn't like Frank Miller's run on All-Star Batman & Robin for the same reason I don't want to read the Champions: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL OPINIONS!!!!!!! I DON'T PAY $3.99 AN ISSUE TO READ YOUR FUCKING TUMBLR ACCOUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh, and don't get me started on the smarmy, condescending nature of trying to manipulate grown ass readers who they shouldn't vote for! Jesus H. W. Christ, I don't care who you are! I don't care if you voted democrat or not, Trying to flat out TELL people who they should vote for in a comic book has got to be the most insulting god damn thing I could possibly imagine from a publisher! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, Marvel! How fucking dare you try to force your politics on me! Who the fuck do you think you are!?! What bills you pay to be pushing propaganda in my house!?!?!?


Fuck You, Marvel! We're done! It's over between us! I'm reading Rebirth now. Rebirth just -- DOES things; Things you never do for me. Rebirth understands me. Rebirth touches me in ways that no one ever has. Rebirth cares about me; what I want to read, but all you care about is yourself.

Things just aren't working out between us, and believe me, it's not me, and its not the readers... It's you.

Marvel Thinks Readers Don't Like "Diversity"

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Photobucket.com was once a reputable image hosting service, established way back in 2003. Now, some 12 years later, Photobucket is one of the worst websites I have ever had to use.

Not only is this website flooded with bandwidth-draining ads that use up more resources than a room-mate using your router to torrent bestiality, but it's clunky interface and horrible tendency to crash your web browser is why this website isn't just bad: it's dangerous.

  • It's slow.

Photobucket.com loads about as quickly as Darwin's theory of evolution. There are glaciers melting in Alaska faster than this website can finish loading a page. This shitty website struggles so much just opening the log-in drop-down menu, you'd think it was busy deciphering the human genome.

  • The interface sucks.

Go ahead. Try to find your photo albums. I dare you. Between trying to figure out where the hell your photos are, and dodging two or three loud video and pop-up ads, Adobe Flash would have crashed twice, your web browser would have locked up for 6 minutes, and your web browser will have unexpectedly quit before you even get that far.

If you do manage to get through that with your web browser intact, good luck trying to find a way to share the pic on anything other than a social network, because you won't even see those options unless you click on a pic, and load yet another page slower than a dead snail with Polio.

  • Too many ads.

Photobucket has more ads than the fucking PirateBay back in 2013. If you want to log in to Photobucket, be prepared to be gang-raped by pop-ups, loud videos about household cleaning products, and countless banners trying to convince you to buy a printed mug of whatever image you recently uploaded. Logging into Photobucket is like a malware attack on steroids holding a bag of shrooms.

I joined Photobucket back in 2004, and I had the misfortune of having to watch as this once useful website slowly became an enormous piece of elephant shit carrying the Ebola virus. I still (try to) use it, if only just to retrieve over a decade's worth of images I've collected and uploaded over the years, but every timer I go there, it's like running butt-naked through a mine field.

I really miss what Photobucket was 10 years ago, before making a cheap profit was more important than having a decent service with a good product. There was even a time when Photobucket was one of the most useful tools on the web.

I could only pray for the original photobucket's return, but until then, this website sucks.

3 Reasons Why Photobucket.com Sucks

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I'm going to just cut to the chase. I've been browsing a lot of blogs lately, looking to make interesting conversation, and I gotta be honest: 90% of the blogs I've seen could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Not all of them, mind you, just the vast majority of them have at least one problem that sucks harder than a black hole in Einstein's theory of relativity.

Here is a list of things I don't like about most blogs, and how I think they can be fixed.

  •  Don't try to force me to sign up for a news letter just to see your pages.


If you are a web designer, and the only way someone can view your content is to sign up using their Google+, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram account, You need to take that off right now. Seriously, go into your control panel and remove that shit ASAP.

As a consumer, there is absolutely no way in a frozen hell with flying pigs I'm going to register for a newsletter from a website I know nothing about, just to see content that I don't even know if I'm going to be interested in. I don't even care if your site has free downloadable hardcore pornography streaming in 4K, there is just no way that's going to happen.

New readers are going to avoid your website like the plague the moment they see a pop up ad they can't close, demanding that they register just to read any of the articles on the site, and this is bottle-necking your site's growth potential in a big way.

This shit is enough to make your site look less like a series of articles and more like a malware attack. This underhanded tactic doesn't work, and it's a great way to make new readers treat your website with more disdain than a hypodermic needle filled with Ebola and fucking smallpox.

  •  Don't tell me about your day.
There couldn't possibly be anything in the universe I could give less of a fuck about than your cat, your kids, where you went this morning, or the fact that you just ate a sandwich at TGI Fridays. If you're going to advertise your blog on Google+ communities or Facebook groups, at least have the humility to talk about something other than yourself once in a while. It's your blog; not your journal, and not your Facebook account.

I've got news for you fellas: Nobody knows you. People don't come to your blog because they want to know about your day, they come to your blog because they want to know what you think, what your opinions are,  and perhaps your expertise on a particular topic.

If you're reading this and are still thinking of writing a blog post about your daughter graduating High School, or the fact that you lost your car keys this morning, guess what? Nobody gives a shit. You're not that important, and your dirty laundry is not worth the time wasted reading about it.

  • Stop reporting the news.

I am sick and tired of going on blogs filled with copy-written stories containing nothing but opinions from "experts", or bloggers just acknowledging the fact that the story exists.

You guys are supposed to be bloggers. You're not a journalist. You're supposed to tell me what you think, not what others think, not what the popular opinions are, and not what experts in the field are saying. Nobody is going to your blog to read the New York Times. You can have all the news stories you want in your blog, but don't bother giving us the story if you're not going to give us your take.

I swear, all the bloggers are writing like journalists these days, and all the journalists are writing like bloggers.What the hell is going on?

Anyway, what do you think? What's your biggest blog pet peeve?

3 Things I Don't Like About Your Blog

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I spent a day or two looking at a few websites with articles about why certain blogs tend to suck, which got me thinking: does this blog suck? 

I'm sure we've seen or read blogs that suck before, right? Those crappy, text-only earth-toned blogspot websites that look like they were designed by a teenage girl using AOL Hometown in 1997... Those pitiful, unimaginably boring rows of run-on sentences longer than a self-aware stephen king novel if it were in an interview more boring than a feminist at a TEDTalk convention...

I didn't need to compare notes to realize why my blog sucks, so I decided to compile a list of reasons why it does. (in my not so humble opinion.) If you are a blog admin reading this, I would encourage you to do the same with your blog as well.

  • 1. No one reads it.

This blog has about as much viewership as a book review at the MTV music awards. Google analytics averages my posts at about 25 viewers: none of whom ever come back after reading the articles on here.

  • 2. No consistent topics.

I started off as a comedian, spinning articles on other websites, then I started posting some shitty video game reviews I wrote around 15 years ago, and next thing ya know, I'm writing about how stupid social justice warriors are. I write about more random bullshit than a proto-femenist reptilian-kin bi-curious poly-romantic space unicorn with with a Tumblr account.

  • 3. No consistent posts.

After working a ten-hour shift at a factory at 5:30am six days a week, I don't feel like writing about a thing when I get home. The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping like captain America after WWII. Even if I can be bothered to write something, you better believe it would come out like a month after initially writing a third of it. Nobody wants to subscribe to a blog like that, do they?

  • 4. Blogger software.

Yeah, I said it. I don't mean to be a jerk or anything, but the only difference between Blogger and WordPress is that WordPress doesn't deep throat a donkey's nutsack quite as passionately as Blogger's software does. If I were to compare the two using some sort of arbitrary software analogy, WordPress would be the Adobe Illustrator of blogging software, whereas Blogger would be those Mavis Beacon typing simulators from 1996. To put things in perspective, WordPress is blogging software you install into your web space in order to build a website, whereas blogger is that E.B.T card for low-income welfare recipients that you would use to make the equivalent of an Eastwood Insurance commercial. Sorry Google; I love your software when you guys make it, but the moment you buy out someone else's, (YouTube) its about as well made as a Chinese wristwatch.

  • 5. No one knows what this website is about.

This site doesn't have a niche to cling to, making it harder to find, and less likely to grab and hold the reader's attention. There are categories for gaming, entertainment, music, technology and comedy that are neither cohesive, nor are even a focus on this site at all. One moment I'm writing comedy, the next I'm writing "srs bznss" about a videogames. The people who come to this website come here looking for what they're interested in, and comedy gets more attention than stoic bullshit any day of the week. Sometimes I look at some of my old game reviews and think to myself: "if people wanted to read this, they could have went to GameSpot.com or IGN. Why the hell am I writing like I'm Adam Sessler with a midlife crisis?"

  • What I can do to fix it. 

  1. Make it funnier. All and all, if this website doesn't focus on anything, it focuses on everything. If it focuses on everything, it needs to make everything funny. Otherwise, this website sucks.
  2. Write more often. Making a blog and only posting once a month is about as useful to a consumer as a newspaper is to someone with a freaking Smartphone and free WiFi. Writing more often means better SEO and more reasons for a reader to come back.
  3. Make the articles shorter. No one wants to read a 500 page masters thesis on anything short of what they need to finish a book report. People have better things to do with their time than read 26 paragraphs about something that can be summarized in a single sentence. I'd be willing to bet that this is the primary problem with this website: the posts are too goddam long, and most people don't finish reading one before they decided to switch tabs to PornHub or xHamster.
If you are reading this and you have a blog, I encourage you to write a post like this one. Tell your audience (if any) what you think is wrong with your blog, and what you can do to fix it.
Seeing your website's problems from the outside in can help you make a better website.

5 Reasons Why This Blog Sucks

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So in an article written by Bradley Wint of Trymodern.com, Ikea is interested in selling furniture that can wireless-ly charge a post-modern hipster's inevitably white iPhone, as seen in this picture below:

No longer must the libertarian starbucks blogger with a Pintrest account be forced to charge their apple computer by crawling underneath an awkwardly positioned coffee table to plug it into an outlet controlled by the system. Now, all they need do is sit at home, in their roach-infested 100 year old apartments, and write articles about that one band no living human being has ever heard of, from the comfort of their own IKEA desk!
There are also a wide variety of anti-establishment desk lamps designed to charge your phone in a variety of ironic ways, just in case you think using a cord is too mainstream. There's even one that looks like the world's most ironic tobacco pipe!

http://www.amazon.com/boomyours-Phantom-Wireless-charging-desk/dp/B00PKF3D2C

Ikea makes furniture to charge your douchey hipster devices

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